Ain't That a Kick in the Head
by JustAnotherTeenageWriter
Summary: Castiel Novak is used to going through the motions of life alone, that is until, Dean Winchester shows up and makes him see the way.


The room is thick with hazy smoke and full of people swaying softly along to the gentle music coming from the band on stage. I make my way through the crowd with whispered "excuse me's" and breathy "pardon's" not attempting to seem rude, but not letting the density of the crowd slow me down.

I head to the back of the room where it's much less crowded. I take a seat at a table with two velvet clad chairs and before I can even get my wits about me a waitress dressed in black and white with a silken tie has descended upon me, asking me if I would like anything to drink. I order a glass of champagne and she hurries off to retrieve it for me.

My eyes turn to the mass of bodies in the center of the room. I watch them tentatively, summing them up. Single men and women on the outskirts of the floor sway woefully by themselves, hoping to catch the eye of another perhaps. Amassed in the center are couples and lovers alike. Entrenched in one and another's arms. Some with eyes closed, blissed out smiles on their faces. Others eyes open and bright, their smiles wide and laughing. Jubilant.

The waitress sets my drink down in front of me and I wave her off without word if I would need anything else. I highly doubt I will. I never do.

I watch the couples as they dance. I can see the one's who have been together awhile, they're easy to pick out. They work around each other seamlessly. Years of practice I suppose. I feel a pang of jealousy in my stomach and absentmindedly take a drink. It's sweet and dry and it feels as if though tiny bubbles are warming me up.

The newer couples are the one's with their eyes open, still taking in the grandeur that is love and whatnot. They stare up at their significant other like they are the only star in the sky.

I take another sip and another pass around the dance floor, this time my eyes rake the outskirts. I see many a beautiful woman, a lot of faces I've seen so many times before. They come alone and leave alone, but still they hope.

The men are just as handsome, I recognize a few faces, but not many. My eyes linger on a new face. He was not in the club when I had entered. I don't think I've ever seen him on any of my outings before.

He has sun kissed skin and his strong frame is sharply clad in a navy suit. Almost as if though he can sense that I'm looking at him he looks up at me and we have brief moment of eye contact, but in even those few milliseconds that we were connected I feel as if though I got a glance at his soul. Bright green eyes that have seen too much of the world. I look down for a moment, take a sip of my drink, then look back up and he's gone and I'm left wondering if he was even there to begin with at all.

I reach into my pocket and pull out cigarette from the case and light it. I take another glance around the room and wonder what it would be like to be in love.

I inhale deeply and the smoke burns ever so slightly and I exhale and watch as the smoke lingers for a moment before dissipating into the atmosphere of the rest of the haze in the room.

I think of my parents and the love that they had for each other. When I was younger my home was so full of life and laughter and color. I felt fulfilled even as a young child with the life that I was living. Four brothers and sisters and a slew of frequent other family members made me feel a love that has yet to be matched. Everything at home was fine until Anna, my dear little sister got sick. We tried and the doctors tried and we all prayed and did everything else we could think of yet it wasn't enough, Anna passed away when she was eight years old from some sort of fever. I don't remember what exactly. I do remember the shift at home right after however.

My other siblings Gabriel and Balthazar and Hannah were different after. We all were. It hit my mother the hardest who for weeks after would sob and ask God why He had taken her baby away. She had always told me that I had angels watching over me. I had a hard time believing her after Anna died.

The strain became too much on my family. It constantly felt like there was some sort of fog over my home. The air felt stagnant and everything was too quiet.

Gabriel was the first to leave. With a note on his pillow and not a single goodbye to any of us and our family changed yet again.

Mother became inconsolable after he left. She would do nothing more than lay in her bed and stare at the wall all day. Not a single utterance escaping her pale lips. Father tried and Hannah tried and Balthazar tried and I tried and we even consulted several doctors. We tried our hardest to bring her back, but even the doctors said there was nothing they could do. Her broken heart would have to mend itself on its own. So we waited. We waited for weeks for her to get better. Then we waited months.

I didn't understand. Sure I was sad about Anna dying and about Gabriel leaving but I couldn't have been more than twelve at the time, I didn't completely feel the gravity of the situation. Then I remember one day while father was at work and Balthazar was out and Hannah was at school I was sitting with my mother. I was begging her to say something, anything. I hadn't heard her sweet voice in so long. I would have given anything to hear her say she loved me just one more time. I kept on saying "Mommy please, just give me something. Say something. Say anything." And all she was doing was staring at me with her cold blank eyes. Eyes that used to look at me, look at the world with such affection and verver. All symbalance of the mother that took care of me when I was sick and who had kissed the tears off of my face when I had fallen and scraped my knee was completely gone.

Still she stared and I completely lost it. I was hysterical by the time my father got home. He was screaming at my mother begging with her, pleading with her to just come back. To be the woman that he knew and loved. Still, she said nothing. She hardly even blinked. It felt like she didn't even see us anymore. She just stared a hole right through us.

Father left shortly after that. He kissed me extra hard one day when he was leaving for work and told me that he was sorry, and that he would always love me.

I am now nearing my twenty-second birthday and I have not seen him since that day.

After he left it was up to Balthazar to provide for us. At just seventeen it was a large burden to put on his small shoulders. He dropped out of school, started working constantly. By this time, however, the Depression was in full swing and we were just barely scraping by and I knew how lucky Balthazar was to have a job, and how compared to other people we were in great shape despite the tragedy that had plagued us, but still I resented him for not being able to give me the things that I wanted, the things that I was used to. I resented Gabriel and my father for leaving. I resented Mother for not being able to pull through and provide for her children. I resented her for getting so wrapped up in her own sadness that she didn't see the rest of the world anymore. And maybe I even resented Anna a little bit for being free from all of this but also for being the cause of our burden.

I am a selfish man.

I'm suddenly ripped from my memories when a drink is placed in front of me out of no where. I look up and see the man who had disappeared earlier.

"A lot on your mind?" He asks by way of introduction in a voice much deeper than what I would have expected.

I don't say anything, but rather just a take a sip of the drink and look him up and down. With him this close I can see a smattering of freckles across his face. I didn't think grown men could have freckles.

The drink settles heavily on my tongue. It's earthy, a little smokey. I've never had anything like it before.

I gesture for the stranger to take a seat. He obliges and takes the seat opposite to mine.

I've never really been one for small talk. Even when I was younger it was never something excelled at. I had a hard time relating to children my age. I have a hard relating to anyone really. According to Hannah I'm "awkward" and "full of snarky judgement."

The stranger, however, seems to have no such inhibitions. "You've practically been staring a hole through that wall over there."

"Just thinking." I reply.

"Must be some about some heavy stuff." He acknowledges.

I nod as I take another sip and notice that my cigarette has been sitting, abandoned in the ashtray in front of me, so I pick it up and take a drag, savoring the weight of the pull.

I'm surprised that he doesn't push the subject. Surprised and appreciative.

After a moment I decide on what to say. "Castiel."

"Hm?" The stranger asks.

"Castiel. My name." I clarify.

"Dean." He responds. Dean responds.

"Pleasure." I tell him. And it truly is.

He smiles slightly to himself and I'm taken aback by how beautiful he is. I didn't think that men could be beautiful, but Dean most certainly is.

The atmosphere of the room changes as the band switches tunes. I hadn't really even noticed that they had stopped playing at all but suddenly the vocalist with mic in hand is announcing that the pace is going to change a little bit and with a brief count off the band is flying away on some swing piece that I can't exactly place.

"I've never seen you here before." I tell him.

"New to town." He replies. I'm not surprised. New York is practically a safe haven for drifters. As if Lady Liberty has a light shining for miles, beckoning people to the City of Opportunity. _"Give me your tired, your poor. Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free." _But I wonder what Lady Liberty has to offer to the tired and poor and huddled masses already living within her city. I wonder what she could do for me had I not been born here. _What would she mean to me? _Dean most certainly looks the part. Beneath his fancy suit I can see that he's worn with many years of something just a little bit worse than labor.

"Me and my little brother Sammy just moved here from Kansas." He adds.

"Work?" I ask.

"Something like that." He says taking a sip from a drink that looks a lot like mine. I follow suit and take another sip, picking up on the subtleties that I didn't notice before. A warm feeling seeping into my chest. It may be the alcohol. Or it may be the company of this stranger with a name.

The band is in full swing now and I've placed the song.

It was something my mother used to love. Swing music. Jazz. The whole nine yards. I haven't been able to enjoy it as much since she passed.

"Stock broker?" I ask, purely judging by the suit. The economy may be on the up and up but still not many people can afford luxuries.

"What-? Oh." He says he looks down and pulls at his lapel. "This is just for show. It was my old man's." He grins when he talks. I like it.

"Were you found of him?" I ask. I've always liked getting an introspective look into other people's families since mine didn't exactly stick to the norm.

"Oh no. I hated the old bastard." He says without missing a beat. I laugh at the zeal in his voice.

"I know it sounds awful, but it's true." He says laughing now too. "He used to drag me and Sammy all over the country. I'm talking a new town every week or so. Every two weeks if we were lucky. Me and Sam were like his little soldiers. He was okay until my mother died. Then he just kinda lost it. The second I turned eighteen I took Sam and we never looked back. It's just been me and him since then." He finishes his story with another sip.

"I'm sorry to hear that." I tell him. I am. Some of his puzzle pieces start falling into place though. And I understand, I really do. I thought that my story was uncommon, that I was the only one who had really suffered loss. But yet right here in front of me is someone who might just have a story very similar to mine. He could share the pain that I thought was unbeknownst to everyone else.

"Nah. It's fine. I was young when she died. About four. I don't really remember too much of her to be honest. Sammy was just a baby. We've always had each other. That's all we ever really needed."

I notice that his eyes soften slightly whenever he talks about his brother. The only sibling that I've spoken to in years in Hannah, and even then our talks are terse and our visits sparse. I've had to become a man of necessity. I've been on my own most of my life and I've been okay with it, although with Dean sitting in front of me talking about his brother with such reverence I begin to wonder if I've missed some essential part of my life. I've been okay with this life of solidarity, or at least I thought I was, that is until now.

"Do you have any siblings?" He asks.

I consider the question, letting it weigh on my tongue before offering him an answer. Sure I have brothers and sisters. Or I did at least. Anna died and then Gabriel left and Balthazar died in an accident at work. So really, it's just been Hannah and me since I was sixteen.

After a moment I decide on an answer. "I had four, but it's just my sister Hannah and me now. We don't speak often though."

He takes another sip of drink and then looks at me and I'm surprised by just how green his eyes are.

His eyes are softer now and the tenor of his voice has changed as he says "I'm so sorry."

I don't know how to react. Sympathy is something rather foreign to me. "It's fine." I tell him, just because I have no idea what else to say. "I was young. I've made it through life just fine." I say, trying to laugh it off.

I can tell that he doesn't buy it. Not one bit of it. And a part of me appreciates it. I've missed companionship, even in this most basic form.

I don't say anything, but rather take another sip and another drag and go back to watching the people on the dance floor. A few more people have entered the club since I last looked, but they all appear to be couples.

After a few moments he speaks up. "It's okay to be around people. Ya know?"

I consider this for a moment. Nearly everyone I've ever loved has left me. Anna and Mother and Balthazar. Or abandoned me. Father and Gabriel. I didn't think that I would ever get through that time in my life, but I did. But from then on I decided that things were better when I didn't have anyone. If you're alone, no can leave you. They don't/can't/won't break your heart in a million different ways. If I rely on myself then all of my expectations get met. This is the life that I deigned myself to live. And I have expected it. Until now. Until this beautiful stranger has stumbled upon me and is making me question everything I thought was right or normal.

I take another sip rather than answering him.

He relaxes into his chair a little bit, "I mean, I can't really talk. The only family I have is Sammy. But I have family friends. Bobby and Ellen and Jo and Ash. They're all I've got. All I've ever really had. But I know that they're not all I would ever need. I know that I don't have to be alone." And as he's saying these words he's leaning forward and the intensity of his voice is getting stronger and he's staring straight through me and I'm pretty sure if I don't look away soon I'm going to combust. Like a mortal looking a Greek god's true form.

"Now. I don't know what's happened to you in your life, but I can tell that you've had to rough most of it on your own. And if God put me on this earth for the sole purpose of making sure that you do not have to go it alone, then I'll take it."

I actually snort at this. "God hasn't done me any favors as of late."

He smiles at me. "Then forget God."

Just then it hits me exactly what he said. _Making sure you do not have to go it alone. _Not, _Making sure you see you do not have to go it alone _but actually going with me. My flutters at the idea. He stands up and finishes off his drink, then reaches into his pocket and pulls out some money. He sets it on the table and then offers me his hand with the smallest glimmer of a smile on his face. But it is enough. Enough to convince me. Enough to make me feel that if I don't take his hand right now, that if I don't go with him, I'll be missing out on the one chance of true happiness that I might ever have.

"So. Cas. The night is young. Will you watch it age with me?"

_Cas_. It reminds me a little of Balthazar who always used to call me _Cassie._ It hits me just how much I miss my family. I haven't allowed myself to feel much for them.

I stand and take Dean's hand.

"Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow."


End file.
